NOT ANYMORE

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*

I changed my mind

I was not going to tell you all

to share with you 

about my SECOND operation ,

untill afterwards.

When all would be behind.

Tomorrow ... February 11

I will receive MY SECOND NEW HIP 

The other hip was also very bad

and I still was in a lot of pain

with that one.

However 

my new hip is a true miracle

No more pain and

 recovering wonderful

The difference

could not be bigger

My one part is now better than a long time

and my other part is still in pain .

before I dared to say that

to admit that

 took me a while 

When I went back to the hospital

for my check-up

I was grateful and happy 

and I was afraid and sad.

My orthopedist

understood immediately

what was going on .

The pictures confirmed

my story .

Let's do the other one too

he sad .

I was relieved

and 

sad at the same time.

Relieved 

because when the second one

 was going to be

as wonderful as the first 

than all my misery

would be solved

Sad

because I hoped I was done

and now I had to do all once more.

all over again.

Why did I had so much trouble

sharing all of this ?

I guess It felt like

I disappointed every-one.

Every-one was so happy for me

and glad for me 

and focussed on my recovery

I supposed

that was what every-one

wanted to hear .

I was afraid

to admit the truth.

I was afraid

If I would share it

it became real

and I could not handle that yet.

for myself.

The first operation was already

such a big step for me 

A lot happened since than

with me

as a person 

The balance

 was far away

my one half was reborn 

and able to focus on the future

and my other half 

was still old and used up 

and reminding me of the past .

old and new 

next to each other 

in me

I intended 

not to share 

any of this

and 

tell all about it

when the second operation would be done

and now

I changed my mind

and that is a big step for me

and I realise now

how happy that makes me 

How I have changed allready

and how I am not afraid anymore

about life as it is .

somewhere

on the way I had become 

a scared human being

and I adjusted

to make sure 

as little as possible

could go wrong and hurt me

so I lived very safely

and 

I made sure not much could 

hurt me anymore 

so I shared only what was safe .

I learned SO MUCH in the last months

SO MUCH

and I finally let go

all of my fears 

and I realised

how I can share 

what's happening

and what's going to happen

Tomorrow

with you

because

THAT

is how it is.

HELLO WORLD 

I am here 

in the present 

and I am SO LOOKING FORWARD

to the big day tomorrow

or better said

to my new life after that.....

Oh boy

there will be so many

SURPRISES

to come

I hope you forgive me

for sharing this

so late in the process

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